Michael Reagan and me on the USS Ronald Reagan (CVN-76)

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

An Open Letter to Harvey Updyke

Dear Harvey Alerbamermoron Updyke, Jr.,

It turns out, your a super smart fellow, for a Bamer - admitting (quite proudly) to have used a horrid herbicide on our trees live on the Radio and everything. And ending your call with a "Roll Damn Tide!!" Oh so classy.

I bet it would have been really hard for a Texas State Trooper to track you down. The fact, that You really do live in Dadeville and are a Crimson Tide fan. And apparently told half the damned town that you did it, bragging to everyone you saw. Oh, and if that weren't tricky enough to throw the Texas State Troopers off the trail, you called a Horticulture professor at Auburn AND LEFT A VOICEMAIL COPPING TO THE POISONING! Bravo! No Texas State Trooper would have ever figured that one out. You did what every police officer on the planet wishes someone would do during the course of an investigation: you confessed in public on the Finebaum radio show and gave enough details to lead even a rookie Texas State Trooper right to his front door in Dadeville, AL. I guess all those years of stopping speeders on Texas highways didn’t do much to make you a master criminal.

One flaw, there big guy: You committed your crime in Alabama not Texas. You see, in Texas the Retards wear State Trooper Uniforms. In Alabama, the retards wear houndstooth printed hats and red jackets with an Atlanta braves ripped off "A" on the chest.

Short of leaving a trail of bread crumbs the size of elephant droppings, you couldn't have made your capture, arrest and soon to be conviction much easier.
You claim that you poisoned the trees because some Auburn students rolled Toomer's Corner after Bear Bryant died in 1983. I guess by now you have been informed by that never happened. By all accounts the Auburn family was both saddened and respectful when the Bear passed. I consider myself a Dye Hard Auburn Fan and I mourned the loss of the Bear - one of my home state's true heroes - a hero who's name and memory you have forever tarnished.

If you really wanted revenge on someone for disrespecting the Bear go after the fan that stole his hat off his head during a post game celebration. Oh I’m sorry, That was a Bama fan.

I know your upset because Auburn won the national championship, posted the biggest comeback win in the history of the Iron Bowl, (and they did it AT Tuscaloosa) and had a player win the Heisman Trophy.

Here's the thing, I know you Bamers hate us Barners. We don't like yall much either. We have spent our lives being the little brother, the butt of all the tractor and cow college jokes while yall keep fielding players with those annoying as hell Bieber-bangs and waving those TP-topped detergent boxes around over your heads.
In yall's minds, the only thing worse than Bama losing is Auburn winning.

And now, for at least the foreseeable future, instead of Nick Satan or Bear Bryant or whatever great recruit the Tide signs, the face of Alabama Football in the eyes of the rest of the nation will a dumb-ass redneck named Harvey Updyke.
Thank you for proving everything I have said all my life about the average Bama fan having no class.

By the way, what kind of inbred Redneck names his kids Bear Bryant And Crimson Tyde. I hear you also named one of you dogs Bear Bryant. Your son has to feel great that his dad loved a person that he never met SO much that you named him AND a dog after that man. By the way, Tyde is miss-spelled. It’s correct spelling is Tide. Have who ever you asked to read this letter to you to point it out on a detergent box.

I would call you retarded redneck, but that would be an insult to retarded rednecks.
I understand from the police report, you answered "do you have anything else of value?" with "a 200 Kia and a T.V." Really? At age 62? those are your items of value? Did you spend your life's savings on fake Alabama Letterman Jackets and Big Al hats?

I can fully understand why your lawyers keep dropping you as a client.
Now, you want your trial moved because you don’t think you can get a fair trial in Auburn. What happen to "Do you think I care?" there Al? Did your cell mates ass rape some sense into you?

Look man. You're pretty damned lucky to be getting a trial at all. Lynching isn't that far in the past in Alabama. Instead of getting a trial you could be hanging from the end of a rope or buried inside a car trunk and dropped into a lake or landfill. "Do you think I care?"

You see, whatever misguided logic or sense of Crimson Tide (not Tyde) spirit and loyalty led down this path of ass clownery - committing at least one felony by putting poison on our trees was wrong.

The trees at Toomer’s Corner don't define us. They are a symbol of us - the Auburn Family. This act of, for lack of a better word, eco-terrorism, will bring all of us closer together while you, the Tide fans and the whole Crimson Tide nation look horrible and pathetic by comparison.

Do your family a favor: save them the expense and embarrassment of a trail by killing yourself. Hanging yourself from a tree would make a poetic footnote to your wasted life. You have some nice size trees in your yard. I am sure you can figure out how to get it done.

On second thought, do this life long Auburn fan a favor: fight the charges to the bitter end - where you’ll loose your house, 200 Kia and TV to try to pay your legal bills before going to prison for 1 to 10 years. Jail will be a good place for you. With luck you’ll get 300 pound black cellmate from Tennessee named Bubba that hates Cops almost as much as he hates Bamers and he'll ass rape you nightly for ten years - while I laugh at the thought of you having wear orange instead of your beloved

Congratulations Harvey, aka Al from Dadeville. You managed to do the one thing that you would never intentionally do in your entire life: You made people feel sorry for Auburn University. Sorry for us in the very same year that we brought home the Heisman Trophy AND the National Championship.

By the way, is it hard to get your Tide-mobile to roll of flat tires?

Thanks and War Eagle!

PS. Spike 80DF is Harmful if swallowed.
You might want to take Bear (your dog not your son) to the vet soon.

No comments:

Well, that just about sums it up!